Statistical Odds

10/25/13  What percentage (no pun intended) of your life involves odds and statistics?   When I walked into the living room the other day (October 14th, to be exact) my Dad was watching Sports Center.  The news caster was reporting on the amazing feat of the two Boston teams the day before: The New England Patriots and the Boston Red Sox.   It was a different type of sports report in that the newscaster was giving a statistical percentage of a win at each highlight of the game.  New England was winning throughout the game but the Saints went ahead towards the end.  New England won with the last throw of the game, a 17 yard touchdown pass in the end-zone.  Then they flip to the come back of the Boston Red Sox who were behind 5 - 0 in their playoff game.  They score one run and the newscaster gives the statistical probability at that time of a win.  Then in the bottom of the 8th Ortiz hits a grand slam home run.  In any game a grand slam is absolutely exciting (I have had the privilege of witnessing one in a live game in 2010 with the San Diego Padres hitting one off of the Los Angeles Dodgers...SWEET!!!) but in a playoff game where the chance of winning is looking pretty dim a grand slam will light up any stadium.  So the Red Sox are now tied 5 - 5 with Detroit.  In the 9th they finish it off with a walk off run to win 6 - 5.  The newscaster then says: “0.2% chance of both professional ball teams in Boston to come back with a win yesterday. 0.2%.” 

I don’t share any of this because I’m a huge sports fan and love an exciting come back story (although I do).  Or because I’m a Boston fan and am elated for their wins (because I’m not).  I share this because today I was devastated.  I saw my medical oncologist.  I started the visit by saying I was not happy with my latest CA 125 #.  He said he was not happy with it either.  He explained that it is an early trend but the numbers do seem to be trending as if the cancer is growing again.  These were words I was quite aware of being shared at this visit, but they still hit with a very hard blow.  He went further to say that he would like to do another PET scan in 3 months, because once the numbers start trending up, it takes about 3 months to show evidence of the disease on a PET.  He even when further to talk about starting chemo again at some point.  All I wanted to do was yell shut up, run out of the room, and cry.  But I didn’t.  He recognized that he was aware that I didn’t want to think about starting chemo.  I asked if we would do the same chemo medications.  He said yes since they were very effective.  I looked puzzled at him since I don’t consider cancer growing again within 2 -3 months after chemo stopping, EFFECTIVE.  He said, “You’ve had a good few months.  I know you want more, but you have had some quality to your life since starting chemo.”  Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful man and a wonderful doctor for me, BUT he has been trained to treat based on statistics and his own experience.  Obviously, he has a set way of seeing the course of this disease progress in a person.  And that path is extremely bleak.  I had only a 15% chance of being alive in 5 years after the 2nd diagnosis.  I don’t know what the number drops to with a 3rd diagnosis. 

I do know this... on a day where I felt extremely sad, defeated, cheated, and puzzled, the divine sent me a message through that sports cast.  I rarely hear sports casts that have odds given during the play by play of the game, in fact I don’t think I have ever heard a sports report like that.  And to hear it on a day where I experienced such a blow and to have those two teams beat the odds of a 0.2% chance of both winning.  I’ll take my 15% and run with it and feel it’s plenty sufficient.  More important I’ll believe the message was specifically for me, sent by the universe, to remind me to trust in the process and journey, and know that I am fine and will be fine with my divine guidance.  

I quote Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening, “It seems our ability to be authentic and free can’t touch us until we breathe our way below the twitch of our patterning.  Often, this requires outlasting the anxiety of needing to catch or fix what comes our way, so we can truly respond from the center of our being.”  

I wrote most of this post the day it happened, but decided not to send it immediately.  As I reread it today I feel I’ve done what Mark Nepo describes, I’ve outlasted the anxiety, and can feel, from deep within, that I am fine.  I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself the past week visiting with my cousins out of state and feel especially upbeat, health, and happy.   I write this from my cousin’s house in Idaho, overlooking a lake with the beautiful reflections of the trees shining through the water and truly feel the I Am!  

Please think of me as this happy and healthy Denise during the coming week as I go for another blood test and an appointment with my surgical oncologist.  

Love, gratitude, and health to all of you and all the support you continue to pass my way.

Denise

Is the Glass half full or half empty?

10/8/2013

In what realm do you live your life?  Do you truly live in the reality, seeing things through practical, black and white eyes?  Or do you live more in the realm of intention, where you assume the state or situation that you dream to be in?  Maybe you live with both of these working for you at different times.  Over the past few years I’ve learned that I live more in the dream realm with believing things are what I want them to be rather than what they may actually be. 

Maybe it’s not at all the actual state that we are in, but in how we choose to view each day and event in our lives.  Unlike many, I’ve viewed cancer as a gift.  Maybe not a gift I want to keep on giving, but a gift nonetheless.  Recently, a friend made a comment of how my life has been a series of tragic events over the past few years and how sad she is for me.  It shocked me a bit to hear her say this, because I never really saw it that way.  Yes, some unfortunate things have happened, but I still feel I have a great life.  I don’t feel my life is great because of what happens or doesn’t happen in my life, BUT because of who I am and how I choose to handle what life events occur.  

I’ve had a couple of things recently test my Polly Anna view on things.  A member of our survivor group recently passed, after a 10 year struggle with ovarian cancer.  As a board member of the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Central California, I attended an Ovarian Cancer celebration dinner the last week of September (September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month).  I didn’t know many of the women at the dinner and I quickly became aware that many in this group have had quite a struggle with the disease.  At least 5 of the 15 women at the dinner were “typical” ovarian cancer patients.  They don’t really talk of their first diagnosis or a recurrence, the way I do.  They speak of being in treatment on and off for the last 5 or so years.  One woman had been in treatment for the last 8 years and spoke about the chemo she was currently taking was the only one remaining that she had not used.  She said, “If this one does not work, that’s it.”  I quickly became panicked and wanted to leave, but I had rode there with someone else. 

By the time I reached home I was deep in fear mode.  I doubted my dreamy perspective and way of dealing with things.  I thought that maybe I should be looking at my situation more realistically, rather than always being quick to assume that I’ll be an outlier of the statistical odds.  As a Nurse Practitioner I know that what these women described is the most common course of the disease.  As a dreamer, I didn’t want to believe that it could happen to me.  I was truly rattled to my core and cried myself to sleep that night and woke up the next morning crying again.  

I’ve been put to the test again today on how I view my life and situation.  I have to admit that I’ve been living in fear all day which is why I’m choosing to write today.  My hope is that by writing out my thoughts and sharing with others, that I will change my perspective on how I’ve been thinking all day.  Please don’t excessively worry about what I’m sharing, because I know that if you contact me in the next 24-48 hours I will have already changed my perspective back to my Polly Anna approach and will be viewing today as just a tiny blip in the journey.  Today may actually be the reminder I need, NOT to live in the mode of fear, and simply BE! 

I have blood work done every 4 weeks to check my tumor markers.  This is a way for the oncologist to monitor if cancer cells are growing again.  It is not the most reliable of tests, in that many other conditions in the abdomen can elevate the number.  While I was in chemo, my numbers dropped lower than anything my oncologist had ever seen.  So I knew that after chemo the numbers would go up some, but there is no way to know how high they will increase before leveling off.  The level maintained in August at 4.  The number increased slightly in September to 8 and I hoped this would be where it leveled off.  This week’s number was 12.  With perspective, I realize this number is still very low but it has me rattled.  Part of the issue, is that I don’t have the experience of having the level checked and seeing fluctuations without any significance.  My only experience with fluctuations was the number increasing, starting the fall of 2011, which ultimately showed the cancer had recurred.  

I’m left to redirect my feelings on this matter, away from fear, and adjust my outlook to remember where I am at today.  I am alive, first and foremost.  I am enjoying life.  I am feeling well.  I am completely impassioned with what I envision for my future. I am ultimately grateful that the lab test is NOT showing a huge elevation.  I will continue to be faithful, to all that I do, that I believe is helping me to achieve a greater state of health.  I will, also, continue to write because I enjoy sharing with all of you and I am deeply interested in hearing how my thoughts help you to experience just how precious it is to live our lives together.  

Thank you for being in my life and interested in living to the fullest.  Here’s to being the ultimate optimist.  

Inspiration, what is your source?

10/3/2013

You never know how, why or when you may inspire someone.  I’ve been physically active my whole life.  At one time I even ran 2 marathons and did a sprint triathlon.  As far as I know, this did very little to inspire people to action.  It may have inspired them, but inspiring to the point of action is so much more.  Then comes 2010, when I get cancer.  During this time I regularly blogged about the importance, FOR ME, to somehow muster the courage to walk at least to the neighbor’s house and back.  I walked almost daily, regardless of how weak I was.  At times it took someone on both sides of me to help hold me up.  

Now, my cousin declares she is doing her first 5k (at the age of 42) because I inspired her to be physically active.  I am so happy for her and grateful for her doing it.  Yet, I laugh, that in my weakest, least physically active time in my life I’ve inspired someone else to be physically active.  

The gifts don’t usually come packaged as we would expect, right?  And, as most wonderful things in life, the serendipity here is that now that she notified me of signing up for the 5k, I feel more motivated to try to increase my physical activity.  Give and Take is so beautiful.  Thank you Melanie!!!!

If you feel like it, share what inspires you....

Birthday Expectations

9/18/13  Birthday Expectations

First let me say thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes and comments.  Here are some thoughts that I typed up on my birthday that I thought I would share. 

I wake up with no plans except a dental appointment which should actually count as negative points (no offense Dr. Trueb and staff).  I trusted it would all come together, but as the morning went on I had doubt.  I had a birthday text waiting for me upon rising (thank you Jan Turner-Davis) but nothing on Facebook.  Mom had a birthday card on the kitchen counter but she wasn’t home (or so I dramatized).  My dad, sister, and brother-in-law were all in Oregon.  

Unfortunately, I have to admit I expected more.  As the morning progressed I began to try to put together a plan of what to do.  I love to play BINGO but do it rarely and thought of going to the Indian casino an hour away but found out there was no BINGO tonight.  Mom kept saying, “Whatever you want to do, let me know.”  But not much was coming to mind.  Part of the issue was, I was low on energy.  I just spent the past 5 days traversing the states of Oregon and Washington for my niece’s college soccer team and sightseeing with my family.  I kept telling myself that I didn’t need anything to do ON my birthday, because I had a lovely day in Seattle the day before.  That should fulfill the birthday celebration, right? Well, for me it wasn’t.  By this time I had a couple of calls and emails and was being asked, what am I doing fun for my birthday and I had no good answer, other than a dental appointment. BAD!  The pressure set in to make it a FUN day.  

I contacted Jacqueline about going to Emeryville to hang out with her.  By the time I finished at the dentist, I didn’t feel like doing anything.  That appointment was enough to wipe me out.  A few other ideas floated by, but nothing took hold.  I resolved to being okay with doing nothing and just relaxing.  I have never been a huge Facebook person, but found today it was the perfect medicine to help me feel like I was spending my birthday with friends.  I posted about the meaning of birthdays on my blog and my FB page and the responses began to flow in.  

One response in particular excited me, it was from the gentleman who farms my land stating they were harvesting my grapes tonight and I could spend my birthday celebrating at the harvest with a glass of wine.  HOW PERFECT IS THIS!!!! In my excitement I quickly sent out an email and post via FB to invite others to join.  My grandiose mind quickly visualized many friends being able to attend with the last minute invite.  As I write this it is 30 minutes before the wine party start time and mom has put together a basket of goodies, we have several bottles of wine chilling and no one yet who RSVP’d they could attend.  I surrender to the outcome and pleasure in the excitement of what it could be rather than what it is. 

Despite the low attendance at the wine birthday fest (1 person, besides Jerry the farmer, Mom, and I) it was a lovely evening.  While waiting for the “crowd” to arrive I tinkered in my sister’s garden, fed her chickens and collected the eggs, cut a bouquet of Dahlia’s and enjoyed being in nature during the harvest.  Shortly into the evening, Jerry pointed to the sky.  The Harvest/Full moon was rising.  How perfect.  It was so beautiful and I felt joyfully satisfied.  It did turn out to be a perfect birthday.  I no longer take birthdays for granted and want each day to be special, but especially my birthday.  I appreciate all of you helping to make it great!

Birthdays!

9/18/2013

Birthdays!

Birthdays bear different meanings for all of us, and present varying significance at various times in our lives.  When we are young, we usually look forward to our birthday and especially to the party and gifts.  Their are milestones in birthdays: reaching a 2 digit numbered age, becoming a teenager, at 16 to get our driver’s license, 21 to be legal, and then by the decades at 30, 40, 50...and for some 100.  During mid life the birthday may be more of a dread for some.  It seems after a certain age, though, there is a sense of accomplishment in reaching each birthday and the birthday becomes a celebration once again, even something to be proud of in making it so far in advance age.  

Since having cancer, I view birthdays differently, more similar to the advanced age person, as if each birthday is a huge accomplishment.  It no longer is taken for granted and truly becomes a day of celebration.  Although, each day after surviving cancer can be experienced as a day of celebration. Sadly, I used to dread my birthdays.  Partly, due to my high expectation of it needing to be an EXTRA special day.  In my 20’s, it was a huge reminder of still being single beyond the age that I thought I would marry.  Then after marrying, it became a reminder day that my biological clock was ticking and I had yet to have children.   In many ways, cancer changed my views of birthdays from dread, to yet another milestone.  

I sit today in an odd mood.  It’s my 42nd birthday.  At the point that I turned 39 I knew there was something terribly wrong with me, but didn’t know what.  Shortly, thereafter, I was diagnosed with cancer for the first time.  My 40th birthday was reason to celebrate in a colossal fashion for it being the 40th and for it being my first birthday post cancer/surgery/chemo.  My 41st birthday was challenging.  I worked that day and none of my co-workers even knew it was my birthday.  I experienced a fatigue that plagued my body so intensely that it was a struggle to even move the computer mouse at my desk.  Once home that night I had a meltdown and told my mom, “I’m pretty sure I have cancer again.”  Working in the medical field for years, one of the most common complaints is fatigue, but, for me, there is no other level of fatigue than what cancer brings to your body.  My 41st birthday was one of those days that just to exist was too much effort.  

Today, on my 42nd,  I am alive, healthy, and pretty well emotionally.  Part of me desires to have something fun and joyful to do.  Part of me is completely at peace with having nothing to do and to just BE!  I cherish the joy I see in everyday, including today.

“I have been born again and again and each time, I have found something to love.” Gordon Parks

I believe I have been born again and again throughout the milestones in my life.  I look forward to the new path taking place in me now as I allow the guidance of the next steps to be birthed.  Happy Birthday to all of you, and please see joy in something today as a birthday gift to me!

The Path Ahead

8/20/2013

Finishing chemo and having a clear pet scan are huge reasons to celebrate. Many people think this is the end of the road in healing, so to speak, and all should be normal again after that point.

Cancer is a symptom of the systems in the body that malfunctioned. Chemo is a survival mechanism to rid the body of the cancer. True healing to restore normal function begins after the survival techniques are successful (a cancer free body). So my journey of health is only just beginning. 

I saw my surgical oncologist last week.  It was the first time I have seen her since she diagnosed me with cancer in October. I gave her the book Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden. The book bridges the concepts of science and the power of the mind and belief. I told her that I hoped it would help her understand some of the things I do that may seem crazy. She was quick to say that nobody can say what I do is crazy because I'm sitting here and the odds said I shouldn't be.  It made me realize that even though she's always supported me that she really did fear I would die this time. She helped to validate my strong desire to feel great again and reminded me to be patient with myself saying it takes about six months after chemo to have good energy and stamina again.

I started swimming laps at the gym pool to help get in shape. I've always swam freestyle. Because my cardio fitness is so depleted I decided to swim a backstroke lap in the mix every few laps to catch my breath.   I fumbled with the backstroke and had to adjust my technique to prevent from splashing a bunch of water up my nose.  Naturally my eyes focused up, but on the part of the ceiling that was in front of me, in the direction of the rest of my body.  I realized if I focus my eyes upward, like I’m looking toward the top of my head (in the direction that I’m swimming) that the stroke seems smoother.  I've never considered myself a strong swimmer and know very little about proper swim strokes.  

This change in backstroke technique reminded me how to maneuver in life also.  When the focus is on where we’ve been, looking into the past, then things can be more difficult (i.e. water splashes into my nose).  When the focus is mostly straight up (in the present) and slightly forward to where I’m headed then life is more manageable.  

Rather than dwell on what I’ve endured over the past few months, I’m headed on a new journey.  I leave tomorrow for the most incredible healing journey that includes wildlife, adventure, nature, and sacred ancestral experiences.  I look forward to sharing this life defining experience with you when I return.  

Once again, thank you for your love, prayers, and support.  

In love and health,

Denise

Celebrate my PET

8/5/2013

Is anyone in the mood to celebrate???

I have the most wonderful news.  I had my PET scan and it is absolutely clear, meaning NO evidence of cancer.  I’ve actually known of the results now for a few days, but was trying to tell as many people as possible in person.  I found it was just so much fun to celebrate with each person as I shared the news.  I’ve felt guilty for not sending this out sooner, so I apologize if you’ve been waiting to hear.  

Not sure if there is anything more to say in today’s blog.  I’ll let you enjoy the wonderful realization of me clear of cancer for a second time.  YEA!!!

Thank you to everyone for your support, prayers, and belief in me. 

In love and health,

Denise