1/31/13 Exercise - What it means to me

1/31/13

Exercise - What it means to me

Please don’t turn away so quickly just because I intend to talk about the E word.  That’s right.  Many people are so opposed to exercising it has become like another 4 letter word.  

I write today because I was completely moved during exercise this morning, pun intended.  Today I was able to do U-Jam (hip hop type aerobic dance class).  The bonus was the class was taught by my favorite U-Jam instructor, John.  This guy can move. Whether you want to exercise or not, it’s worth it to go to his class just to watch him move.  The big deal about today is that it’s the first time I’ve been able to exercise in the past 6 weeks or so.  I’ve been doing some heavy energy work which has led to a lot of detoxing in my body.  This has left me feeling under par, to say the least.  

John usually plays some strong, inspirational music during the cool down and like I said I am completely in awe of his movement.  During the cool down today, I became so emotional with the thought of wow I completed the class, and on a bigger scale WOW I’ve been diagnosed with cancer and I can move.  It was one of those moments of complete appreciation for life that brought tears to my eyes.   I felt happy to be alive, happy to truly FEEL alive, happy to be able to move, and so grateful to be able to exercise.  

Many people complain about exercising, but I challenge you to TRULY consider how fortunate you are to have the capacity to exercise.  I feel fortunate that I do enjoy exercising, I’ve rarely looked at it as a chore.  So, to not be able to do much more than walk the past 6 weeks was emotionally challenging.  And I also look back at this cancer diagnosis compared to the first when because of surgery and chemo I wasn’t able to exercise for 8 months or so.  Some days, a walk to the neighbors house 40 yards away was considered a success.  I am absolutely thrilled that today, not only did I take Oliver for a walk, I completed 60 minutes of inspiring, exhilarating, and lively U-Jam.  

I hope this blog helps you to appreciate the consistent movements your body is capable of doing and to challenge you to increase the movement you allow your body to experience. 

In love and health, 

Denise

Radical Permission, Yea Niners

1/20/13: 

Radical Permission:  This was a theme that emerged shortly after the 2nd cancer diagnosis.  Somehow, without cancer I put restrictions on how I made my decisions, how I spent my time and money, how I allowed my fun/leisure time, and probably many other things.  I would venture to say that most of us do this, but I’ll speak for myself. If you enjoy this post, than I would expect you relate to what I’m saying on some level.    

The perfect example of this radical permission came a little over a week after the diagnosis.  This amazing story is also a perfect example of manifestation: setting an intention and releasing any attachment to the outcome.  The SF Giants (my fav baseball team) won the pennant on Monday, Oct 22nd.  As I was celebrating the win in my living room, I looked to my mom and asked her if she thought it would be too morbid to send out an email to all my friends and family and announce that it is on my bucket list to attend a World Series and Superbowl Game, especially in a year where my team was playing.  I NEVER ACTUALLY SENT THE EMAIL.  Two days later, my dear friend Becky, called and asked if I would like to attend a world series game with her.  WHAT??!!  She said she checked on tickets and there are some still available.  My frugal self had to ask what kind of money we were looking to spend and then said, “hell with it, let’s go!!”  This was the first time we had talked since the diagnosis and so she proceeded to say some words of anger and such towards the cancer.  I openly admit my view on cancer is quite different than most and I usually insist on seeing the journey and positive experiences and growth that could come through this opportunity.  So I shared with Becky in that moment, without cancer, you and I would not have given ourselves permission to spend the money and attend this World Series game.  AND WE WENT TO THE GAME!!! And the Giants won the World Series.  Yea Giants!

The other part of this conversation is being able to honor my radical permission with decisions/obligations in my life.  I am now living with radical permission to say no if I don’t feel like something is right for me.  Anita Moorjani, author of Dying To Be Me, explains that our decisions are better made from the heart.  We are taught to decide from our head, but it benefits all on a bigger scale when we decided from our heart.  When deciding something, do you decide based on what is best for you or feels best to you OR do you decide out of feeling obligated based on the other people involved?  The more we can live from making decisions from our heart, the more our lives and cells stay in balance rather than in dis-ease.  This can also be viewed in examples where you say yes to someone when it doesn’t feel right to you, you are actually saying no to yourself.  You can also think about it from the other party’s point of view: would you want someone doing something for you because they felt they HAD to and not because they really wanted to?  

Radical Permission, think about it...  This one is for you Maria V. 

On a more lighter note, if anyone has means to help me attend the Superbowl, especially with 49ers going I would greatly appreciate it.  Just throwing it out there.  

In love and health to you all.  Thank you for your continued support.  Please feel free to share your thoughts via the blog or email.  

Denise

Welcome Back 1/6/13

As you can see I finally was able to get my blog working again.  This post is very much overdue.  Welcome back to those of you who enjoyed my blog during my first journey with cancer.  Welcome to all of you who may be new to the blog and are here to support me in the second journey with cancer.

Just to quickly summarize:
Dec 2011: I developed a slight pain, CA125 tumor marker was elevated (for me) but still within normal range.  CAT Scan was normal.
We (my surgical oncologist, Dr. Chen, and I) decided to do monthly lab markers and exams.
The markers created some confusion in that they decreased in value on two different months but overall continued to increase.  With each increase Dr. Chen was more and more convinced that the cancer was back.  With each decrease she became very confused because she said with cancer you will never see a decrease unless the person is receiving chemo.  She on several occasions recommended a PET scan, but I declined.  I felt great and believed that what I was doing was keeping me healthy.
All that changed somewhere around mid July/August.  I began to feel very fatigued and was having some abdominal pain.
Late September I agreed to do a PET Scan which was completed on Oct 13th.  The PET showed 6 tumors total that were located throughout my abdomen.

My one AND ONLY treatment option through traditional medicine was chemotherapy, and the same chemotherapy I had received with the first bout of cancer.  There was some concern of whether this protocol would even work due to how quick the cancer had returned after finishing chemo in April 2011.  One other important factor that played into my decision making was a statistic that wasn't meant to be told.  You all know that I'm not someone who compares my self to general statistics.  I don't like to fit into the boxes and Dr. Chen knows that about me.  She also has a bit of the PollyAnna syndrome so we agree on the matter of not comparing myself to a statistic.  She misunderstood a question my dad was asking in our initial visit after the diagnosis and thought he asked the success rate of using the same chemo protocol.  She ultimately said that there is a 15% success rate of being cancer free for a total of 5 YEARS.  WHAT???!!!  So really what she was saying was that with full treatment of chemo, there was an 85% chance that the cancer would be back for a 3rd time in the next five years.  I kindly said, no thank you.

I hadn't immediately ruled out chemo as an option, but it wasn't something I was jumping in to quickly. I decided to take some time to sort out my mind and while doing that began the "FUN TREATMENT".

I found out I had cancer on a Monday, gave medical notice to my job on Tuesday, worked my last day on Thursday, and drove down to So Cal on Friday to spend the weekend with my family at Disneyland.  Three days after returning from Disneyland, I cheered my SF Giants on at a World Series game. Three days after that I flew to the Riviera Maya to spend the week 60 miles south of Cancun in Mayan Paradise through Healingjourneys.org enjoying the area but also attending self-improvement workshops through the Tao Wellness Center.
In the next couple of weeks I saw my long time favorites, Barbar Streisand and Barry Manilow in concert, went to an Anita Moorjani lecture in Monterey (see pic of me swinging in Darla's front yard).  A few weeks after the diagnosis my dad asked,  "so when are you going to start treatment?"  I said, "I already am in treatment, fun treatment".

After a month or so, I began to feel the pressure to decide what I needed to do.  I met with a doctor in Santa Rosa who does alternative oncology.  He outlined a treatment protocol for me that would require me to be in Santa Rosa 2-3 days/week, would be at the minimum of 8-10 weeks, at the average cost of $1500/week, could make me fairly sick (similar to chemo) and he still recommended one chemo agent in addition.  WHAT?!

I decided to get away.  I was fortunate enough to have friends lend me there home in Aptos that was a 2 minute walk from the beach. (Thank you John and Chris)  Oliver and I escaped for 10 days to be "normal, non-cancerous" beings and enjoy time with nature, reading, and just being.  The time away was exactly what I needed and helped me to feel in control of my destiny again.

After returning from Aptos, on Dec 9th, I met with an oncologist in Stockton, who would be the facilitator of chemo if I decided to start treatment. He did his homework about me and came in with all guns ready to fire to place every fear possible in me for already waiting so long to start chemo.  He basically said that with "my disease" they would consider it a success if they could keep me alive for 5 years.  I kindly explained that was exactly why I wasn't so eager to choose THEIR treatment and find one of my own.  He tried to bargain with me and said, "go ahead and enjoy the holidays and then let's plan to start chemo the first of the year".

During the two months since finding out I had cancer again I had been doing many things to continue to increase my health (nutrition, movement, detoxing, supplements, energy work, meditation, spiritual work, ....) For those of you who followed my blog in the past, you read many entries on my meditation healer MerriAnn.  MerriAnn did her own research on alternative ways to "communicate" with cancer cells and created a meditation that specifically allowed me to thank the cancer for it's service and give it permission to leave my body and release it to the universe to be used in a loving functional matter.  This was in alignment with out I viewed the cancer cells and my journey with them.  I listen to the CD of this meditation daily.

One of my other main healing methods has been working with my friend Sandy Snider.  Sandy describes herself as an intuitive coach, but is so much more.  She is a communicator with one's angels or guides, whatever you prefer to title it.  We spend several hours each week working through my thoughts, beliefs, fears, and any other feelings that could have created imbalances or dis-ease in my physical body.  She, through her gift, is able to help me release the energy attached with these emotions and therefore help me to heal my body.

I believe that all diseases are related to the emotions and beliefs that we carry with us throughout our lifetimes.  There is actually a lot of science out there that proves this point, but I still write this as "my belief" because I know this is a fairly foreign concept to most.  With this in mind, as I address those fears/beliefs that have limited me in the past, the energy associated with them is released and the cancer resolves.  Since the height of my CA125 tumor markers at 143 in the beginning of November, the marker numbers have dropped 48 points to 95 on my last blood draw this past week.  Traditional medicine cannot explain this.  The belief is that the numbers can only drop through surgery, chemo, and radiation.

THE PROOF IS IN THE NUMBERS.

I will continue to treat in the ways that I feel serve me best.  I completely believe that I am healing the cancer WITHOUT chemo and will continue to do so.

I thank you for sticking with me on this very very long blog entry and for all of your overall support.  I hope to blog regularly and share not only what I'm doing, but some of my thoughts that have influenced my healing.
Love to you all,
Denise

The Roller Coaster of Life

It's been awhile since I've written and true to the nature of life some wonderful things have happened and some challenging situations have taken place.  I'm not sure where to even begin, which is probably why I've postponed writing on the blog.
On the most sad note, my cousin Patti, passed away from Ovarian Cancer last month.  She was my hero in surviving this disease and truly living life for 11 years post diagnosis.  I brought her to one of my ovarian cancer support group meetings and it was as if I was bringing a celebrity, due to her long years of surviving.  She is greatly missed.
On another challenging note, Oliver and I were involved in a car accident.  We were stopped at a light when this truck drove through the grass and sidewalk of a gas station and broad sided us.  He proceeded to hit us another 3 times in his attempt to leave the scene.  He ultimately ditched his car and ran on foot.  I was very fortunate  that many people stayed on the scene to help us.  Luckily, we were in my Volvo SUV.  What they say about Volvo's durability/safety, is so true.  My vehicle showed some body damage but was ultimately totaled.  I figured with as hard as we were hit, the frame was probably affected.  We are both fine, we were banged up but doing well now.  Time now to go car shopping. If anyone has any ideas, I'm looking for a wagon/SUV type of car that will have good gas mileage, and seats that fold down FLAT to fit Oliver and my bike.
I've recently added another person to my team of healing practitioners.  I'm working with a holistic nutritionist who is also a certified EFT practitioner.  She has been fine tuning my many changes I've already made to my dietary regimen plus working on some of the emotional aspects of diet with the tapping.  It's been great.
 
I had a wonderful weekend with all of my family in Crestline, California, up in the forest and on a lake.  It was the 50th wedding anniversary party for my Uncle Harlo and Aunt Eleanor and my cousin Brianna's wedding.  Dad, Dana, Robert, and I canoed around the lake.  We all took turns trying our balance on a paddle board also.  It was great.

I am very excited to be hosting a home party this Sunday to help some wonderful ladies sell their products.  I'm featuring my Aunt Dolly's paintings, which I've loved my whole life.  Sandy, my neuro-reflex therapist, has also launched a new ALL NATURAL skin care product line and will be showcasing her product.  My cousin, Cindy, a master crafter will be selling her purses and jewelry.  If anyone would like to come by, it will be an open house from 1-4pm.  Spread the word, I would love to have a great turn-out for these ladies.
I thank you all for your continued support,
Denise
Current Affirmation: All is well.  Everything is working out for my highest good.  Out of this situation only good will come.  I am safe.

Numbers are Down!!!

I am pleased to announce that my latest lab values are showing improvement.  I have not been completely honest or revealing in my information in my posts in the last few months.  After my oncology visit in April, my oncologist was convinced my cancer was back because my CA125 tumor marker numbers had doubled.  There is some protocol in western medicine that says when the values double it means that the cancer is back.  My oncologist ordered a PET scan to assess my status.  I thought long and hard and decided I didn't want to have the PET Scan.  Many of you may not agree with this, which is why I was rather elusive in my post after my April Oncology visit.   I wanted the decision I made to be based on what I felt was right for me and not take in to consideration what other people thought or what they would do for themselves.  I also did not want FEAR to play a part in my decision making.  I strongly felt that I did NOT have cancer, and that if I did,  I probably would not take traditional treatments anyhow so felt the PET Scan would complicate things more than help.  I did several new treatments that helped more along the lines of energy medicine and working on things emotionally for me.  Of course, I continued to exercise, juice, detox and all of the other many modalities I continue to use day to day.
I thought the challenge of my increasing numbers was a big lesson in my journey. How easy is it for me to preach about achieving health through natural ways of treating the mind, body, and spirit when everything is fine and dandy?  I think it is pretty easy for a person to preach they are against some particular treatment when they are healthy enough to never have to make the decision to use that treatment.  When I was faced with the possibility of the cancer being back and had to decide what I felt was right for me, what would I choose? I STILL felt that what I was doing was the right thing.  Who knows, maybe the cancer was growing again and with the things I am doing it has now stopped growing?  Or maybe it was never growing back in the first place? But I do know that whatever inflammation caused my numbers to increase in the first place is now reversing so I will take that as a sign that I'm doing things that work for me in body, mind, and spirit.
Thank you all for being in my life. Until next time,
Denise

Happy Mother's Day

I'm laying in bed here with Oliver, appreciating being his mother.  Our family is off to the Santa Cruz area today to go to the beach, Gayle's bakery and possibly the flea market.  I hope whatever you are doing you are appreciating being a mom (if you are one) and/or you are appreciating your own mother.  Have a wonderful day.

Also as a reminder, here is the announcement that went out in the Stockton Record to publicize for my presentation at St Joseph's Hospital in Stockton if any of you who are local want to attend.

Special Presentation (May 16)

Treatment Beyond the Prescription Pad – (you do not need to be ill to benefit from this presentation!)

St. Joseph’s Medical Center will host Denise Southwick, Family Nurse Practitioner and cancer survivor, for an interactive presentation demonstrating tools to ‘wake up’ your life after receiving a life altering diagnosis. This free presentation will be held on Wednesday May 16, from 6-7:30 P.M. in St. Joseph’s Medical Center Auditorium (take elevators to bottom floor). No registration necessary.

For more information, call 467-6550 or email SJCancerInfo@dignityhealth.org.

Happy Mother's Day

Perspective

Isn't perspective nice.  We don't know good without knowing bad.  We don't know beauty without knowing ugly.  I had a moment yesterday that presented this lesson to me once again. I went in to the infusion center at Stockton Kaiser to have my port flushed.  This is something I have to do every 4 - 6 weeks to keep my port functional.  Reminders of cancer are never too far away, unless I purposely work on creating screens from my vision to help me see the people rather than the disease.
The infusion center is where I had all of my chemo treatments.  As I was walking out of the clinic I realized I had a huge smile on my face and felt so happy.  It was the dichotomy of the present compared with how I left that clinic a year ago.  It was the wonderful feeling of being able to just go to the appointment by myself, to actually drive myself there and drive myself home.  It was being able to walk in AND OUT of the building on my own two feet, no wheelchair, no support from Jacqueline and my mother sandwiching me on both sides, no having to stop on the way to the parking lot due to not having the strength to make it in one stride, no feeling of of nearly passing out or extreme nausea.  
The wonderful feeling of walking into the clinic and having JoAnn, one of the nurses who administered my chemo many times, have a wonderful smile on her face to see me.  And to compliment me on how great I look and notice that I've lost weight. She even commented on how I lost the "moon face" caused by the steroids they administer to try to prevent your body from being killed "too much" from the chemo.  How lovely it was to only be there for 15 minutes, compared to walking in the clinic at the beginning of the day and leaving at the end.  I didn't need to take multiple bags as if I was camping for the weekend.
Please do something each day to be grateful for what you do have rather than what you feel is missing in your life.  As you do this, it will also serve as a reminder to me to continue to see life this way.  Life is so much more beautiful when you're trying to see all that is right with it.  Consider your perspective.
Love to you all,
Denise