Self Love

6/18/13

Have you ever faced the criticism of others, especially when it comes to your outer appearance?  Have you been faced with being labeled too thin, too fat, too black, too white, too sick, too healthy, too tall, too short?  By nature, we are judgmental beings.  Even worse than judgment felt from others, is the judgment we face from within.   To quote Marianne Williamson, “Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world.”  Mastery of this beast from within is a true key to allowing life to come from a place of joy.

I’ve felt that achieving a greater acceptance and love from within, alone, can be miraculously healing.  In the past few weeks the universe has tested me, and I’m afraid to admit that at first I failed to a certain degree.  

I know many of you can relate to the struggles of weight.  With my first bout of cancer I gained considerable weight with the chemotherapy and steroids.  I slowly lost all that I gained, and even more, over the past year and half.  Well, now I’m on chemo and steroids again and have seen the scale rise in a short amount of time.  In one week I gained 7-8 pounds.  More than just the number on the scale, the weight gain has been uncomfortable in my body.  

The weight gain was a mystery at first and I became critical wondering what I was doing wrong.  I held stressful thoughts because I’ve had a belief that I’m healthier when I’m thinner.  I’m willing to accept this is only a belief and that it isn’t necessarily always true.  I was thinner and at a comfortable weight while lying in a hospital bed with a bowel obstruction and my abdomen full of cancer.  There is no doubt I’m healthier now than four months ago when that was happening.  When I questioned my oncologist about the weight gain his answer was simple, “It’s the chemo.”  He was not concerned.  It was relieving to have the weight gain completely excused away by my doctor but it didn’t change the struggle in my mind of self-acceptance.  

Those close to me have been very quick to remind me of how well I feel and how well I’m doing because of the chemo.  AND how alive I am as a result of the chemo, alive enough to just lose the weight later on and stop stressing about it.  Too true!!!  So again, it’s in how I view the situation and how I accept who I am now that will ultimately heal (what I believe needs healing). 

Another quote from Marianne Williamson: “The mystic path is a journey of personal transformation, and while the goal of the journey is to become our true selves, we can only do this by letting go of who we are not.”  I’m not my thin self anymore, but I’m also NOT the sick person that I was.  I am me, in all my glory of loving life and all that is offered to me through the Divine.  Not only my second chance, but my third chance to heed the guidance and inspiration from Spirit to transform.  

Medical Update:  I have now finished 5 rounds of chemo.  The dosage on the chemo was reduced the past two rounds because my liver enzymes became elevated.  I continue to use Neupogen injections the week after chemo to try to stimulate my bone marrow that is suppressed with the chemo.  I still have hair!  Yea!!!  It has thinned, but I have great hope that it will survive this current round and the next.  I am also able to eat again.  

The best news is that my CA125 tumor marker is now at 5.  This is the lowest I’ve ever been, even after chemo the first time around.  At my last appointment, my oncologist was so impressed with the numbers that he said he could hardly wait to do another scan on me to see how well things would look internally.  He looked like a kid waiting for an ice cream cone.  It was cute.  

He is discussing the option of some sort of long term chemo or hormone blocker medication after the 6 rounds of IV chemo.  This discussion will depend on the results of the scan after chemo.  I’m feeling well, for the most part.  I have a lot more bone aches from day to day and my energy/stamina is still quite low, but I can definitely deal/live with these things.  I feel very fortunate and happy with my life.  And just writing that last sentence chokes me up.  I know the reality of this disease and truly feel blessed with where I’m at in my healing.  I carry with me a deep sense of knowing that there is much love for me to still give and experience on earth and I make this my purpose every day.  Thank you, to each of you, for being a part of my journey and transformation.  

In love and health,

Denise

5/22/13 Spiritual Vacation

5/22/13
If you are into vacations that provide spiritual growth and a connection with nature/animals, then check this out.  Jonathan Ellerby is the CEO of the Tao Wellness Center which I visited in the Riviera Maya last October.  This was the trip I took the week after being diagnosed to help me sort out my thoughts with this cancer recurrence.  I have no doubt that the Canadian trip will be as special as it is unique.  I'm not sure if I can manage going myself due to my chemo schedule, but take a look at it for yourself.

During one of my first chemo sessions the first time around, my friend Jacqueline, asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate finishing chemo.  She consistently reminds me to incorporate fun in my life (day to day fun and the big fun).  Some of my top passions include traveling, animals, nature, time with friends and family.  So we decided we would take a trip after completing chemo.  Naturally, Spirit provided me with the details for a trip of a lifetime prior to me even knowing I would do chemo this time around.  My reward and goal with completing chemo is a different trip that Jonathan is leading, two weeks in Africa/South Africa for spiritual and physical healing with local medicine "men" and witnessing the great migration safari.  Big Bucket List item.  

Medical Update: I'm happy to report that my CA-125 tumor marker is now 7.  When I looked over all of my CA-125 results over the past 2 1/2 years, I noticed that I've only had 3 results in the single digits.  Along with this one, two results after I finished chemo in 2011 were 6.  This is a huge milestone in my book.  I'm so relieved that the chemo has been effective.  This 4th chemo round hasn't been quite as nice as the last one, as far as symptoms go.  I'm still needing to take the anti-nausea medication and feeling some yuck.  Each day is better though and I know "this too shall pass".  

Many of you have said that you are sharing some of my thoughts from the blog with others.  I appreciate this, as I would like to help as many people as possible through connecting with my journey and what I'm experiencing.  I created a facebook page that you can share, that includes a lot of what I share in the blog, minus the personal medical details.  Please feel free to share this with anyone who you think may enjoy it. 

www.facebook.com/DeniseSouthwickNp‎

Have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend,

In love and health

Denise

5/15/13-Soul Questions

5/15/13

I had an idea for this blog post.  I’m an avid Super Soul Sunday watcher on Oprah’s OWN network and she always asks a series of questions to her experts at the end of the show.  I always answer them for myself and the answers usually vary some from episode to episode.  So I thought I would share with you my answers from the episode I was watching this morning with Jean Houston.  

Hopefully this can be a thought provoking experience for myself and all of you.  

• If you don’t usually think about this, I challenge you right now to think about what do you want in the next 10 years of your life?

I want to remain healthy in body, mind and spirit.  I want to continue to develop deep, loving, fulfilling relationships with others.  I want to expand my platform to teach/inspire/share my life lessons and thoughts on holistic healing to help others on their journey.  I want to feel safe to pursue more creative endeavors in my life and accept the love of a partner in my life.  

• What is the soul?

I see the soul as the most loving and kind parent who is gently providing opportunity for growth in the individual.  Some of the opportunities may not be fun and may downright be considered tragic events in our lives, but nonetheless those events help us to evolve. The soul is there to help guide us to find ourselves and our purpose in life. The soul does not interpret any of our actions as right or wrong, it simply takes our decision and then provides another opportunity to help us on our journey.  The soul knows the potential of who we can be and the impact we can have with humanity and gently guides us to recognize that part of ourselves and the connection with all other beings. 

“The soul is the lure of our becoming.”  Jean Houston

• What happens when we die?

I believe our soul lives on.  I believe the afterlife provides the most loving, accepting way to be.  Having cancer, of course, brings up many thoughts of mortality.  I definitely think different now than the first time I had cancer.  I’ve come to realize that I don’t fear death and what happens when my body ceases to function.  More of my fear has been in the illness and pain that I fear would come from the cancer process.

• What is your definition of God? 

I often use the term “the universe”.  I believe God or the universe is an essence that is everywhere, in everything, AND everyone.  Our challenge is to see the God-likeness in ourselves and all of those around us. I don’t believe God is some being elsewhere that will pass judgement on us when we die.  

“The creator has planted within every creature a fragment of himself, a spark, a spirit of the same nature as himself and, thanks to this spirit, every creature can become a creator.” Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov

• Do you pray?

Yes, regularly

• What is the central focus of your prayer?

I pray for guidance to be the best me through God to serve others.  I ask that I be able to recognize and be open to the guidance and messages that are from spirit.  

• The world needs....

Each individual to accept love and growth in their lives through all others.  In the past, I very much came from a place of doing everything on my own.  I now believe that living your life knowing we are ALL connected is the key.  There is no you and me; there is only US.  This one is a daily challenge for me.  

• I believe...

I believe in the spirit of all of us to become who we are designed to be, which is far more than what we could ever imagine. 

I appreciate all of you sharing this experience with me.  I know some of you may say, why does she share all of this and not just share her medical update. I believe true healing of the body comes from the person’s soul and as I express and allow my soul to BE through sharing my mind and spirit thoughts it is creating healing.  So just as the chemo is helping to rid the cancer cells now; all of you through this blog are helping me to express my soul and heal at the deeper levels that will bring a lifetime clearance of cancer cells and create health at all levels.  So thank you!

So for the medical update:  this time, I’m happy to say, the update is short because all has been going VERY WELL!  Since I last wrote, I had chemo on April 26th.  Unlike most chemo days, the pain “train” hit a few hours after chemo.  I had acupuncture the day after chemo which helped with the nausea and fatigue.  Dr. Shen (Acupuncturist) also gave me a Chinese herb to help my bowels and it has definitely helped.  Since I found the acupuncture to be effective, I went again the week after chemo.  With this round, I think I’ll go 3 times in the week after chemo.  I had the typical week after chemo of feeling down, but this time it wasn’t as bad.  This was the first round of chemo, ever, that I had no vomiting.  YEA!!!  With the diet modifications of mostly liquids and soft foods, I remained out of the hospital this time too.  My intestines are doing much better.  I’m happiest when I’m around friends and family and that has been possible the past few weeks with me feeling better. Thank you to all of you who I’ve been able to visit with.  

I had lab work done today to make sure my counts are acceptable for chemo, and so I will have my 4th round of chemo this Friday.  My oncologist wants me to do at least 6 rounds.  

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on today’s post. 

In love and health,

Denise

4/25/13 Friends=Gratitude

4/25/13

Friends = Gratitude

I’ve been fortunate enough to spend this past weekend with friends and am so grateful for the time together.  Saturday morning I was able to reunite with my St Joseph’s family which is full of healers and fellow cancer survivors.  Thank you for such a warm welcome.  Saturday evening and Sunday were spent with college friends, such beautiful people that I’ve now been friends with for over 20 years.  I truly feel privileged.  Many of you have commented on how many people these emails go out to and I often joke that this goes out to “100 of my closest friends”.  And I honestly believe that.  All of you are so close and dear in my heart - I just have to consistently remind myself of your love and thoughts for my health and happiness.  That is the main reason why I do this blog - to stay connected with all of you.  It’s been too easy for me to forget the love and connection of all mankind and that is one thing I’m trying to change. 

A few weeks before the bowel obstruction/hospitalization I lay in bed one night worried about what I was going to do.  I knew the pain was increasing and could actually feel a mass on the right side of my abdomen.  I feared in that moment that I would have to turn to chemo.  The thought completely devastated me.  At that moment, I thought if I do chemo I will not tell anyone.  I will seclude myself and will not be able to face anyone because I would feel like a failure.  I felt like people would be thinking that all of my alternative methods failed, and how ridiculous I was to think I could heal the cancer on my own.  I truly felt like a failure, but I see now this was devastating because it was my ego talking.  No such thing ever happened.  I went into the hospital and was pretty much faced with the choice of having chemo or allowing myself to deteriorate due to a dysfunctional bowel.  There was no choice: chemo was it.  

A month or so after doing chemo I had the realization that I was never made to feel defeated or like a failure by anyone, BESIDES MYSELF.  You all remained in a place of love and caring for my ultimate well being and nothing more.  You accepted me into your arms and remained gentle with my struggle of the choices in front of me defined by the ultimate desire for health and happiness.  I THANK YOU so much.  You really have no idea how much it means to me to be able to have gone through the struggle of feeling defeated and accepting of the chemo and have NO ONE think of me as a failure and instead shower me with your love. It is simply amazing to feel the well wishes, prayers, healing energy, healing light that all of you send. Thank you, again, to Meika, for sending out the email asking for people to come together twice a day to pray for me.  I know it makes a difference. 

So thank you for holding the space for me to BE.  To see myself as simply someone trying to heal in her own way, whatever that may be,  someone on an adventure to find the definition of healing (thank you Sandy Z for this lesson).  Most important in this journey is not only to find value and acceptance of all types of healing, but to truly find ACCEPTANCE of MYSELF and my JOURNEY of life.  

So for the medical update: With one chemo treatment my CA 125 (tumor marker) decreased from 256 to 28.  WOW!!!  Thank you for making that miracle happen.  After two courses of Neupogen (to boost my white blood cells that were depleted from that first chemo) I was able to get my second treatment of chemo on Friday, April 5th, after a complete emotional breakdown on my part.  I was looking for every reason to NOT get the chemo.  After my blood tests passed, my temperature and my blood pressure were normal, I finally surrendered to getting the chemo and allowed it to be.  I remained in bed, for the most part, until the following Thursday.  I finally felt like I was coming back on Thursday.  I guess I felt too well and pushed too hard because on Friday I was much worse.  I began to vomit and have intestinal pain.  I remained in bed again that Friday.  I woke up Saturday feeling well again and unfortunately I ate normal that day.  By Saturday night my intestines were a mess again and my mom had to take me into the ER.  I spent 6-7 hours in the ER and had another CT scan.  The good news was there was no bowel obstruction, the bad news was the “thickening/narrowing” of the intestines were even worse.  The ER doctor recommended I stay on a liquid diet for an indefinite amount of time. Why the intestines were doing this remains to be debated.  The radiologist read the CT as this being cancer.  This was very disappointing and yet confusing to me.  How could my tumor markers improve in such a miraculous way, and the CT look worse.  I spoke with my oncologist the next day and he said he specifically compared the CT from Feb to this current one and every lymph node measured smaller.  He explained the  problems with the intestines could be inflammation, possibly from the chemo or the cancer.  There is no real way to know what is the cause without a surgical biopsy (which is not an option).  So for the past two weeks I’ve remained on a liquid and now soft food diet and have done well.  I’ve actually been able to go off all pain medications this past week.  I did blood work yesterday that passed so I will have my third treatment of chemo tomorrow.  I’m also happy to report that my CA 125 is now 15 (normal is 2 - 35)!  

Thank you for being interested in my progress.  I appreciate all of you in my life and make it a goal everyday to feel your love and well wishes for me.  

In love and health,

Denise

Update 4/3/13

4/3/13

Well I’ve delayed in writing a post because I was trying to send out some profound words, plus give a health update as of 3/29.  I’ve lacked the motivation to create the profound for some time and have now probably waited too long because several of you are reaching out asking what is going on???  So I decided to delay the profound for now and will suffice to just give the health update.  

I still only have had the one chemo treatment of both medications on March 7th.  My white cell counts continue to be too low to receive chemo again.  The plan was to skip day 8 of treatment (day 8 is only one of the medications) and resume with both medications at the scheduled date of round 2 of chemo on March 29th.  I did my pre-chemo blood work on the 28th and shortly after was contacted by my oncologist, Dr. Ng.  He said my white cell count stayed the same (still below normal), but the auto Neutrophil count was even lower than the testing 2 weeks ago.  Chemo was cancelled again.  This time it really didn’t bother me.  I was strong in my feeling that there is a stronger power deciding when and if I need chemo again, and that is what is determining the schedule of chemo treatments, not the medical protocols, the doctor, or me.  

I met with Dr. Ng in the office on Friday, March 29th.  His plan is to lower the dose of each chemo agent for future treatments.  He gave me the option of whether to stay on the day 1 and day 8 treatment plan or to just have day 1 only in the 21 day cycle.  I chose one treatment only at this point.  He ordered another course of Neupogen injections to do now and the plan is to do the injections with each round of chemo, now knowing what an effect the chemo has on my bone marrow.  The Neupogen is a growth factor that stimulates the bone marrow to produce at a much greater rate.  Although, right now it seems necessary, it is a very difficult medicine for me to tolerate.  It too, has the potential, to create extreme muscle and bone ache.  I seem to have gotten far more aches than the average person, but also not considered dangerous (just painful).  On Sunday, March  31st the effects were so bad all of the pain medication I have could not control it.  I ran a fever for about 24 hours and really could not function.  Fortunately, the rest of the days have not been quite that bad.  

On the more positive note, much more positive note...with my blood work done on Thursday, March 28th, we also checked the CA125 (ovarian cancer tumor marker).  My previous level the week after chemo was 256, this time is was 52 !!!!  It had dropped 204 points.  My surrender to the chemo definitely helped.  This is why I believe the past few treatments have needed to be canceled.  And why I don’t think I need day 1 and day 8 of treatment each round.  I have even challenged Dr. Ng’s thinking about whether it’s necessary to do 6 rounds of chemo.  With such a positive result after one treatment (not even one complete round), why do more than necessary?   Medical protocol says with ovarian cancer you give no less than 6 rounds (NO MATTER WHAT).  I’m starting to open the door in Dr. Ng’s thinking to treat me based on me and my results, not what medical research/protocol dictates.  Either way, I’m very confident in my ability (with higher guidance) to decide what I need in treatment and even if it is suggested to do more based on research and protocols, I will do what is necessary for ME!

I have been resisting the chemo since I last received chemo (April 2011) and I believe with the surrender to the treatment it allowed me to relax and trust so much that it opened myself for everything else I’m doing to work even more.  Especially for me to reach a place where I could be open to feeling all the love and support of all of you out there and dissipate the feeling that I was in this all alone.  Thank you.  

I will get you the profound when I feel inspired to write in that way.  

In love and health,

Denise

Roller Coasters

3/15/13

Roller coasters

Does anyone out there love roller coasters?  Do you like the fast, thrilling rides or the upside down/corkscrew types?  In 2002, Robert, my nephew, and I spent a whole week riding roller coasters at some of the greatest parks in Ohio.  

The more appropriate question for this post today, is how big a fan are you of the roller coasters of LIFE???  Not nearly as much fun as the roller coasters in the amusement parks, are they?

So I made it through my first treatment of chemo in round 1 last Thursday.  It was not nearly as awful as the chemo agents that were used the first time I had cancer, but still was much worse than I had hoped.  My mom always phrases the symptoms as...”the train has hit”.  Well the train started to hit Saturday morning with nausea.  I was able to enjoy a nice visit with my co-worker from Kaiser Fremont, Angela.  Thank you Angela for coming to visit.  By late afternoon Saturday the train had hit and continued to be parked in my station through Sunday.  With this new chemo regimen, the complete fatigue has been the main theme.  Each day it has been a challenge just to get moving around the house.  

I went for blood work yesterday, Thursday.  Before each chemo treatment I have to have blood tests done to check that my values are strong (or normal) enough to receive chemo again.  My oncologist, Dr. Ng, called yesterday afternoon to say that my blood values were already too low to receive chemo again today.  The plan is to give me a daily injection of medicine called, Neupogen, for the next 5 days that should help my body boost the white blood cells again.  

So needless to say, I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions over the past two weeks.  I was very resistant to do chemo for the longest time.  Then by having a do or die type of situation, I sought out the chemo treatment to reduce the size of the tumors that were restricting my bowels.  And I felt completely beat down by the first chemo treatment, but tried to ready myself to receive the 2nd treatment.  Only, to then find out I’m not healthy enough at this point to even get chemo again today.  It feels like being disappointed that you can’t drink the glass of poison.  I obviously don’t like how chemo makes me feel and struggle with that, but I also know that it is the one thing that can help me heal the tumors.  

After a few hours of disappointment and grief, I chose to surrender to the outcome and trust that I didn’t get chemo today because I didn’t need it.  I choose to think that the first treatment worked so well that today’s treatment wasn’t necessary.  

So now I get a two week break from chemo.  With the daily injections for the next 5 days, I hope my blood values will improve and I will begin to feel better.  Dr. Ng said he will put together a plan to try to find the happy balance of an effective chemo dose for the cancer, but not so effective that it is destroying everything else in my body. 

I am open for visits if anyone would like.  Of course, you must be very healthy and have no risk of developing any illness (like if you have a family member who is sick) since my immune system is wiped out right now.   

I think the key to having the most fun at any type of roller coaster, whether, it’s the topsy turvy fast one’s, or the emotional life altering one’s is just to relax and literally ride the wave.  For every climb up the mountain, there’s a fun ride down the hill on the other side and I find it’s the most fun if you raise your arms over your head and scream with joy!!!

Aha moments

I'm on a roll with aha moments in the past 24 hours and it feels great.  I would like to share the one from today and see if it provokes any thoughts with all of you.

"All death is a reminder to turn up the volume on your life." Oprah

I have struggled with dealing with the thoughts/fears around becoming more ill and dying.  This goes against the thinking that I want to live by because my belief is that the fear CAUSES illness.  You see the vicious cycle that can form.

So I sat today and pondered Oprah's words and came to the conclusion that this journey of cancer is exactly that, to turn up the volume on my life. There is no death to come from this. If death were the goal here, than it would have already happened.  I had enough cancer in my body, even with this second go around, that it could have already advanced enough to cause death.  That is the reality of it, plain and simple.  My surgical oncologist even said last week: keep doing what you're doing.  The thought is that at your advanced stage of cancer that you'd be dead within a year without treatment.  She considers the recurrence to have started in Dec of 2011 so I'm well over a year now.

BUT, I'm not that sick, and I'm not advancing in my illness, and I'm definitely NOT dying.  No more than anyone else that is.  The reality is: I'm thriving, I'm living, I'm exercising, I'm BEING and I'm turning up the volume on life.

Fear in my life has evolved from the fear of being alone,  to the fear of death,  to now - the fear of not living life to its' full potential.

What can you do to turn up the volume on your life?  Let's live life to its' full potential TOGETHER!!

In love and health,
Denise