1/22/2014 update

Wednesday, January 22

We had a few tiring and rough days. Denise continues to move forward physically; catherer and surgical site drain removed and antibiotics stopped.  She's walking lots but the ultimate goal of passing gas has not happened (Sorry if this is too much information!).  She's now on a full liquid diet with supplementalintravenous TPN (amino acids, protein, dextrose, etc.) and have a few bowel movements.  The plan is to remove the TPN tonight and give her supplemental liquid food.  Her pain meds are being adjustedintravenously and available by mouth as needed.  Last night she was able to sleep a little better.  Yesterday was a day forward and today a rough day so it seems one day forward and one back.

In the midst of her recovery she tries to embrace the emotions around having cancer and her life.  Sleep deprivation has accerbated this too.

The doctors and nurses here at Kaiser Modesto has been exceptional and we are very appreciative of their dedication and skill.

Chemo therapy to treat the remaining cancer will start once her surgical site is healed (?3-6 weeks?).  

The doctors are discussing possible discharge later this week.  We know there are many of you who would like to visit Denise.  As soon as she has regained her strength and is able, we will let you know.

Your supportive and loving energy means so much to all of us and of course, especially Denise.

We intended to send an update a few days ago but we've had trouble with the internet access in the hospital.

hugs n luv, Joan/Denise

1/16/2014 1:30pm

Crucial time is here.  Denise is going into surgery this afternoon--no definite time yet--possibly 2:00 or after.

Please encircle Denise in healing energy and prayers.  We are an important element in her journey!

There is no need to share the surgical possibilities as it's quite indept and the decision will be the surgeons. Let's send Dr. Villasenor lots of support too.  The surgery is only a piece of the big picture but the highest priority for life sustaining at this time.

A special note to Sandy--do your work!

Sorry this is so brief but lots of things going through our minds right now.

Luv and hugs, Joan

1/11/2014

A little history of the latest happenings in Denise's journey with cancer--

   Thursday and Friday she was experience a lot of pain and vomiting.  When she went to her chemo appointment Friday afternoon she was instructed to go to ER for evaluation of a possible bowel obstruction.

In the proceeding hours she had a CT scan which showed a small bowel obstruction and another mass in her lower colon.  The two of these had blocked flow to the Right kidney so it was no longer functioning.  

At 11 pm Friday a stint was surgically inserted in the ureter to allow the kidney to drain.  An NG tube was inserted during the stint procedure, while Denise was under anesthesia to alleviate the pressure in the GI tract.  She was then transferred to Modesto Hospital at 1am immediately post-recovery.  In the last several hours she had her "labs" drawn which fortunately are normal and blood sugar is normal.  The doctor reported this morning that the stent seems to be helping and Denise's back pain has minimized.

To address the colon mass Denise is scheduled to have a colonoscopy at 1:00 today to determine if this is a new cancer.  She will also have a consultation with general surgery to discuss options for the bowel obstruction.    

Denise asked me to send this because she feels it was the energy from all of you that cleared the bowel obstruction in March of last year when she was last admitted to this hopsital.  

Denise is asking all of you to again send healing energy to clear the blockage and cure the cancer in her body.

Your loving support and offers of help are so appreciated.  Be assured as our family needs resources we will contact you.

Love to all of you, Joan, Denise's Mom

1/14/2014

1/14/2014

It is hospital day #4.  We are waiting for the pathology report from the colonoscopy to determine the next steps in treatment.  

Yesterday, Denise woke up with significant dizziness, almost as if she had vertigo.  Denise figured it could be the antibiotics since she hadn’t taken antibiotics in years.  Considering, only one physician felt the colon mass could be an infectious process, Denise asked that the antibiotics be stopped.  The dizziness quickly resolved.  She figured they could always be re-started if pathology showed an infection.  She is still experiencing some nausea and the pain is moderately controlled.  

We just returned from a short walk down the hallway.  Unfortunately, she remains NPO status, meaning nothing to eat or drink. The only thing she can have is a little water to take one of the pain medications. 

We have been vigilantly by her side keeping watch.  We will keep you posted as things develop. Know that we all truly appreciate all your support.

In healing and love, Joan 

Merry Christmas

12/26/2013

I hope you were able to spend the holidays with your loved ones in joy and happiness.  Fortunately, by afternoon on Christmas, I was able to get out of bed and enjoy time with my family.  I am so appreciative of my family’s support and flexibility around these holidays.  It’s been rough on everyone and the stress and emotional toll has been felt by all.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to give you an update and wanted to get one out soon, despite this being short and to the point.  

Unfortunately, things have been a challenge.  The pain continues to be quite intense.  I find relief by seeing my Acupuncturist and sitting in our hot tub, along with using several pain medications.  Most of the time you can find me surrounded by an assortment of hot packs also.  My bowels are still very sensitive and I am eating little.  Ironically, I have found organic cottage cheese to be a friend.  The nausea/vomiting has been sporadic so it’s been very difficult to keep up with my fluid intake.  Plus you have to be awake to consume liquids and I spend the majority of my days sleeping.  My kidney function is now showing some signs of the effects from the dehydration.   

I’ve had two rounds of chemo, both with a medication called Gemzar (Gemcitabine).  This is one of the chemo medications I had during my second treatment of chemo last spring.  At that time it was very effective, in combination with another medication, to clear the cancer quickly.  Of course, the cancer unfortunately also returned quickly.  With my most recent blood work this week, the Gemzar has been deemed ineffective this time.  After two rounds, the cancer tumor marker has continued to increase another 100 or so points.  I’m scheduled to have chemo again tomorrow with the plan to change to another agent called Topotecan.  The goal will be to have weekly treatments of the Topotecan.  I’m anxious to feel relief of all the pain soon, but still feel uneasy about “needing” chemo.  

I muster up enough energy at least once a day to work on “me” in the mind/spirit realms of treatment. I love using Byron Katie’s The Work to challenge all of my beliefs.  For example…it would have been natural for me to develop fear and feel hopeless with the chemo not having the “hoped for effects” so far.  BUT, in using her work I am reminded that just because one method did not work, does NOT mean that I’m following the path of most women with ovarian cancer where all available chemo agents are exhausted without suppressing the growth of the cancer.  I cannot know, beyond a doubt, what will happen to me.  Regardless of what has happened to many others, regardless of how many treatments are needed or not.  I am reminded to stay present in the NOW.  To stay aware and in gratitude of what my reality is in this moment and just how many things are working effectively.  I’m not saying this easy, but it’s been the best thing for me to keep from feeling completely hopeless.  

I thank all of you for your continued support and thoughts of well being for me.  

In love and gratitude,

Denise

12/4/2013

If you’ve been waiting for my update, based on my last blog entry, I thank you for your patience.  I’ve been trying to complete this entry for sometime now and just can’t seem to do it.  Hopefully today is the day.  I’ve done a lot of processing over the past few weeks and spent 15 beautiful days on a healing vacation in November that I’m so grateful to have experienced.  I’m now ready to share. 

On November 5th, I travelled down to Akumal, Mexico in the Riviera Maya, about 60 miles south of Cancun.  The organization, Healing Journeys out of Sacramento (healingjourneys.org) was holding a healing retreat at Tao Inspired Living Wellness Center.  If any of this sounds familiar it is because I went on a similar retreat last year with Healing Journeys to Tao and Tao is ran by Jonathan Ellerby (the organizer for the trip I took to Africa).  Fortunately, I had the courage to ask Jonathan if I could have an opportunity to speak to the group.  As many of you know, speaking is a new passion for me and one I choose to continue to pursue as a career.  On a funny note, it also meant that on my speaker’s resume, I could now list an international venue.  Yes, I am now, technically, an international speaker.  Jonathan asked that I speak about my journey and tools that I’ve learned along the way.  I spoke on subjects of joy, self-love, living life fulling, and techniques to use to change limiting beliefs.  I felt great about the presentation, and received wonderful feedback, as well.  Besides the wonderful sessions of the retreat facilitated by Jonathan, I was also able to swim with the sea turtles, see the ruins in Tulum, visit the beach, play in the ocean, and enjoy the company of a wonderful group of people.  

From Cancun, I flew to Washington DC to visit my friend of 37 years, Sonja.  She has 8 month old twin girls, who happened to have their first tooth break through while I was visiting.  Despite the fussiness you would expect with teething twins, the girls were, overall, very happy.  Sonja and I had many opportunities to sit and chat as she dealt with the many needs of the girls ALL day long.  Over the past three years, I’ve dealt with grief over losing my own fertility with the cancer.  At this moment, I realized what a challenge it would have been to focus all my energy on my healing if there had been a small child in my life.  I felt very grateful that I never had to deal with feeling torn between caring for myself and feeling like I couldn’t give my complete care to a child.  A definite highlight of my trip to the DC area was Sonja taking me to this place called Spa World.  It is now one of my favorite places in the whole world.  In addition to the healing Bade Pool with ionized jetted water, there are 7 different poultice rooms that provide healing and detoxing through natural material and stones.  It was wonderful!

From DC, I flew to Boston for the Infinite Possibilities workshop with Mike Dooley.  Are any of you familiar with messages from the universe through TUT.com.  The message is your thoughts become things and by directing your thoughts you can help life take the direction you intend and desire.  I am now a certified trainer in Infinite Possibilites and can facilitate workshops if anyone is interested in putting together a group of people who would like to change how they think and how to help to make their dreams come true.  

I hopped on a short flight from Boston down to New York City to visit another friend of 37 years, Adam.  The hospitality Adam offered was beyond what I could have ever imagined.  He had truly gone the extra mile.  We were able to enjoy the 9/11 Memorial, the Cloisters, the High Line, Wicked, The Metropolitan Museum of Art and lots of time just catching up with each other.  

As healing as the whole trip was, unfortunately, it was trumped by increasing pain.  I had a little bit of pain on/off prior to leaving, but 5 days into the trip the pain began and never let up.  It was unbelievable to me how intense in such a short amount of time the pain took over.  I felt desperate for relief and to know what was going on in my body.  I emailed by oncologist and asked to have a PET scan set up for when I returned.  I gave myself permission to change my travel plans at any moment and go home if I felt the pain was too much and I was no longer having fun.  Through that permission I was able to take it day by day, at times moment by moment and truly enjoy each opportunity I was able to experience without taking anything for granted.  

The lab work upon return jumped much higher from 53 to 221.  And, as expected, the PET showed cancer growths throughout my abdomen once again.  Considering the huge amount of pain, I started chemo immediately on Nov 29th.  The past few days have been rough.  I will write more as I feel better but I felt pressured to at least let everyone know what was going on.  I appreciate any healing energy you can send my way.  

In love and health,

Denise

Statistical Odds

10/25/13  What percentage (no pun intended) of your life involves odds and statistics?   When I walked into the living room the other day (October 14th, to be exact) my Dad was watching Sports Center.  The news caster was reporting on the amazing feat of the two Boston teams the day before: The New England Patriots and the Boston Red Sox.   It was a different type of sports report in that the newscaster was giving a statistical percentage of a win at each highlight of the game.  New England was winning throughout the game but the Saints went ahead towards the end.  New England won with the last throw of the game, a 17 yard touchdown pass in the end-zone.  Then they flip to the come back of the Boston Red Sox who were behind 5 - 0 in their playoff game.  They score one run and the newscaster gives the statistical probability at that time of a win.  Then in the bottom of the 8th Ortiz hits a grand slam home run.  In any game a grand slam is absolutely exciting (I have had the privilege of witnessing one in a live game in 2010 with the San Diego Padres hitting one off of the Los Angeles Dodgers...SWEET!!!) but in a playoff game where the chance of winning is looking pretty dim a grand slam will light up any stadium.  So the Red Sox are now tied 5 - 5 with Detroit.  In the 9th they finish it off with a walk off run to win 6 - 5.  The newscaster then says: “0.2% chance of both professional ball teams in Boston to come back with a win yesterday. 0.2%.” 

I don’t share any of this because I’m a huge sports fan and love an exciting come back story (although I do).  Or because I’m a Boston fan and am elated for their wins (because I’m not).  I share this because today I was devastated.  I saw my medical oncologist.  I started the visit by saying I was not happy with my latest CA 125 #.  He said he was not happy with it either.  He explained that it is an early trend but the numbers do seem to be trending as if the cancer is growing again.  These were words I was quite aware of being shared at this visit, but they still hit with a very hard blow.  He went further to say that he would like to do another PET scan in 3 months, because once the numbers start trending up, it takes about 3 months to show evidence of the disease on a PET.  He even when further to talk about starting chemo again at some point.  All I wanted to do was yell shut up, run out of the room, and cry.  But I didn’t.  He recognized that he was aware that I didn’t want to think about starting chemo.  I asked if we would do the same chemo medications.  He said yes since they were very effective.  I looked puzzled at him since I don’t consider cancer growing again within 2 -3 months after chemo stopping, EFFECTIVE.  He said, “You’ve had a good few months.  I know you want more, but you have had some quality to your life since starting chemo.”  Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful man and a wonderful doctor for me, BUT he has been trained to treat based on statistics and his own experience.  Obviously, he has a set way of seeing the course of this disease progress in a person.  And that path is extremely bleak.  I had only a 15% chance of being alive in 5 years after the 2nd diagnosis.  I don’t know what the number drops to with a 3rd diagnosis. 

I do know this... on a day where I felt extremely sad, defeated, cheated, and puzzled, the divine sent me a message through that sports cast.  I rarely hear sports casts that have odds given during the play by play of the game, in fact I don’t think I have ever heard a sports report like that.  And to hear it on a day where I experienced such a blow and to have those two teams beat the odds of a 0.2% chance of both winning.  I’ll take my 15% and run with it and feel it’s plenty sufficient.  More important I’ll believe the message was specifically for me, sent by the universe, to remind me to trust in the process and journey, and know that I am fine and will be fine with my divine guidance.  

I quote Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening, “It seems our ability to be authentic and free can’t touch us until we breathe our way below the twitch of our patterning.  Often, this requires outlasting the anxiety of needing to catch or fix what comes our way, so we can truly respond from the center of our being.”  

I wrote most of this post the day it happened, but decided not to send it immediately.  As I reread it today I feel I’ve done what Mark Nepo describes, I’ve outlasted the anxiety, and can feel, from deep within, that I am fine.  I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself the past week visiting with my cousins out of state and feel especially upbeat, health, and happy.   I write this from my cousin’s house in Idaho, overlooking a lake with the beautiful reflections of the trees shining through the water and truly feel the I Am!  

Please think of me as this happy and healthy Denise during the coming week as I go for another blood test and an appointment with my surgical oncologist.  

Love, gratitude, and health to all of you and all the support you continue to pass my way.

Denise