Saturday, July 20, 2013

Surrender/Miracles 7/21/13

Wayne Dyer writes in Your Sacred Self, “Your level of awareness will shift so dramatically that you will no longer feel bound by the agreement that defines reality for most others.”

I believe this is what I was experiencing or feeling when I thought I could cure myself of cancer.  I felt that if I BELIEVED I could cure it than I could and I had read enough stories of people doing such a thing that I felt it was in me to do the same.  I felt this was my journey and purpose and once I cured my body of cancer than it was my purpose to reach out to others, as an example, to show them they also had the power within to heal whatever the issue/disease in their life.  Gregg Braden writes in the Divine Matrix, that it only takes the square root of 1% of a community to hold a belief that can then change the dynamics and beliefs in that entire community.  I envisioned myself speaking to large audiences sharing with them my story and inspiring them and helping to instill in them the same belief in the power they hold within to heal.  

After being hospitalized and told by the medical experts that I could slowly let the cancer grow (already I couldn’t eat due to the tumors strangulating my intestines) or try chemo.  Up to this point I had been completely resistant to the chemo due to the belief that I was to heal the cancer on my own and this whole vision I had for that healing then to be my purpose in life to empower others in their healing.  (quite a tall order for myself as was pointed out by my nutritionist/EFT practitioner.  She jokingly called me out saying, “Not at all a lot of pressure.”  She encouraged me to focus on what healing looked like for me and temporarily put the bigger vision to the side).  It was a huge release for me to surrender the idea of curing the cancer on my own.  I don’t think I was wrong in the idea of “no longer feeling bound by the agreement that defines reality for most others.”  I probably was just trying to “control” too much, rather than trust the Divine.  I’m sure my thoughts and ideas on all of my actions over the past few years will evolve as I spiritually grow, but this is how I can make sense of it all right now.  

I agreed to do the chemo and from that day until a few weeks ago when I initially read the above passage, I have felt like I settled or sold out on my original vision.  I felt like I did “the norm” and most of you know that I don’t like to be the norm.  This stems totally from being ego driven of wanting to be special.  I now know we are all special in our own way (subject for another blog).  When I read the above passage my belief changed. The belief I’ve held that taking the chemo was in some way failing myself has changed.  When reading the statement above, my soul spoke.  My soul said, by having the awareness that I was “no longer bound by the agreement that defines reality for most others” I laid the foundation for the healing.  I hadn’t achieved “physical” healing prior to this because I was so set in my path and vision.  I needed to surrender to the ways in which healing occurred and open myself more to the partnership with the divine.  

Yes, on the surface, it appears that the chemo has been the answer to ridding my body of cancer.  I like to look at it as all the internal growth I had done up to that point that led me to a place of surrender and through the process of surrendering I accepted the Divine and as such, healing.  I was stubbornly against the chemo and had made it the enemy.  This created much struggle and dis-ease in my physical and emotional body.  It took the growth of my spiritual self in my soul to surrender to whatever (the chemo, Western medicine, the vision of my new life purpose, to miraculously healing) to actually hold the space in which TRUE healing is transpiring.  Marianne Williamson says, “The moment of surrender is not when life is over.  It’s when it begins.”  I’ve always believed that emotional and spiritual healing is the key to physical healing. I never once doubted the ability of the chemo to rid my body of the cancer cells, but I saw that the true healing and cure, would come from within and my connection through Source.  

Obviously, I can’t say I will never get cancer again, but I believe if I continue on my journey of spiritual healing I can BE regardless of cancer.  If I’m diagnosed with cancer again I will accept, like I did with this second diagnosis, there are still huge transformations for me to experience and this is the vehicle in which I take on the huge transformational shifts and healing.  Some believe it is the nature of humans to need pain (physical and/or emotional) to create a shift.  I’d like to believe that as we grow in our enlightenment, the severity of that pain can decrease, for us to heed the message it is time to change.  I know, at the very least, my perception of the pain vehicle has definitely improved.  

I’ve never been one to view cancer as the enemy or something horrible, but I know I was quick to move in to action the second time around and truly experience those things that bring JOY to my life, rather than focus on the daunting reality and statistics that were quoted to me.  I do believe in miracles and I believe miracles are daily happenings if we open our eyes to all that is in our world.  After my last post, several of you sent me messages about miracles.   “A miracle is just a shift in perception” says Marianne Williamson.  I choose to shift my perception, surrender to Spirit and love, and continue to grow my awareness that is not bound by normal reality.  

Friday, July 12, 2013

Inner Peace 7/12/2013

I had hoped to give this update after chemo last week, but found I needed time to process all my emotions from this past visit with my oncologist.  

Many expected me to go into Friday’s appointment with cheer and relief because it was scheduled to be my last chemo.  This expectation, alone, stirred mixed emotions in me.  Yes, I was happy that it was my last chemo.  BUT, the day I get the chemo is not the issue, it’s the ill feelings for the week or so afterwards.  My relief of my last chemo comes more the week after, which is today.  

To start I will share that my CA 125 tumor marker came through at an all time low of 4.  My oncologist was amazed and said he had never seen a value this low.  YEA!!!  I expected the appointment to be fairly routine and to celebrate together that I had made it through all 6 rounds smoothly and my lab values continued to look great. All of this cheer around my labs and last chemo, unfortunately, was trumped by the discussion with my oncologist before receiving chemo.  

Somehow the conversation turned very dark, very quick.  As had been previously discussed, my oncologist scheduled a PET scan to be done in the next few weeks to assess if there is any cancer remaining.  What he hadn’t mentioned in prior visits, that he discussed at length at this visit was using the PET to assess if a new type of cancer had formed as a result of receiving so much chemo.  This is a side effect that is initially discussed at the beginning of treatment, but of course, as a person who is trying to rid their body of one type of cancer, the focus is not on worrying about your body developing an entirely new type of cancer.  Chemo can be very effective, but at times, so effective that it wipes out the immune system to the degree of making the body more susceptible to other types of cancer cells.  

An awesome goal for a cancer patient is to “graduate” from oncology, meaning it has been so many years since last having cancer that one no longer has to be seen by an oncologist.  The appointments are scheduled every 3 months for a year, then graduated to every 6 months for two years, and then annually up to 5 or so years.  My oncologist notified me that I would NEVER “graduate” from oncology.  He said the cancer would return, not to be discussed IF I have another recurrence, but that I definitely would.  I’ve known the statistics or odds of a recurrence, but I don’t like to focus on numbers based on other peoples’ lives.  In October when I was diagnosed this second time, my surgical oncologist gave my family the statistic of a 15% chance of being cancer free at 5 years.  So I’m quite aware of how lethal this type of cancer is, but to be reminded causes quite a sting.  My focus remains on healing in all areas of mind, body, and spirit...not the risk of another diagnosis. 

I left the office feeling bruised, battered and beaten and had yet to receive the chemo.  Jacqueline and my mom were with me and we all had a similar stunned look on our faces and tears in our eyes.  While in the chemo chair, I asked them, “What just happened?” The feeling so distant from celebration of the last chemo, the mood was that of mourning over the past few days.  I felt so defeated it was as if I had already been diagnosed with cancer a third time.  Hence the need to go inward and silent and process this visit.  We now concluded, that considering my behavior of running from chemo the first few months after this diagnosis, my oncologist could have been implementing a fierce scare tactic to ensure I would not venture far from his nest for the future.  Either way, I’m happy to report I am feeling better physically and emotionally and am looking forward to distancing myself from chemo and building up my stamina and strength.  

Words that comforted me in my silence: “I know I can connect my mind with the divine mind and guarantee myself peace in any moment.” Wayne Dyer

I would love to hear your thoughts on the blog site: or through email.  

In love and health to all of you,

Dr. Oliver