7/12/2013
I had hoped to give this update after chemo last week, but found I needed time to process all my emotions from this past visit with my oncologist.
Many expected me to go into Friday’s appointment with cheer and relief because it was scheduled to be my last chemo. This expectation, alone, stirred mixed emotions in me. Yes, I was happy that it was my last chemo. BUT, the day I get the chemo is not the issue, it’s the ill feelings for the week or so afterwards. My relief of my last chemo comes more the week after, which is today.
To start I will share that my CA 125 tumor marker came through at an all time low of 4. My oncologist was amazed and said he had never seen a value this low. YEA!!! I expected the appointment to be fairly routine and to celebrate together that I had made it through all 6 rounds smoothly and my lab values continued to look great. All of this cheer around my labs and last chemo, unfortunately, was trumped by the discussion with my oncologist before receiving chemo.
Somehow the conversation turned very dark, very quick. As had been previously discussed, my oncologist scheduled a PET scan to be done in the next few weeks to assess if there is any cancer remaining. What he hadn’t mentioned in prior visits, that he discussed at length at this visit was using the PET to assess if a new type of cancer had formed as a result of receiving so much chemo. This is a side effect that is initially discussed at the beginning of treatment, but of course, as a person who is trying to rid their body of one type of cancer, the focus is not on worrying about your body developing an entirely new type of cancer. Chemo can be very effective, but at times, so effective that it wipes out the immune system to the degree of making the body more susceptible to other types of cancer cells.
An awesome goal for a cancer patient is to “graduate” from oncology, meaning it has been so many years since last having cancer that one no longer has to be seen by an oncologist. The appointments are scheduled every 3 months for a year, then graduated to every 6 months for two years, and then annually up to 5 or so years. My oncologist notified me that I would NEVER “graduate” from oncology. He said the cancer would return, not to be discussed IF I have another recurrence, but that I definitely would. I’ve known the statistics or odds of a recurrence, but I don’t like to focus on numbers based on other peoples’ lives. In October when I was diagnosed this second time, my surgical oncologist gave my family the statistic of a 15% chance of being cancer free at 5 years. So I’m quite aware of how lethal this type of cancer is, but to be reminded causes quite a sting. My focus remains on healing in all areas of mind, body, and spirit...not the risk of another diagnosis.
I left the office feeling bruised, battered and beaten and had yet to receive the chemo. Jacqueline and my mom were with me and we all had a similar stunned look on our faces and tears in our eyes. While in the chemo chair, I asked them, “What just happened?” The feeling so distant from celebration of the last chemo, the mood was that of mourning over the past few days. I felt so defeated it was as if I had already been diagnosed with cancer a third time. Hence the need to go inward and silent and process this visit. We now concluded, that considering my behavior of running from chemo the first few months after this diagnosis, my oncologist could have been implementing a fierce scare tactic to ensure I would not venture far from his nest for the future. Either way, I’m happy to report I am feeling better physically and emotionally and am looking forward to distancing myself from chemo and building up my stamina and strength.
Words that comforted me in my silence: “I know I can connect my mind with the divine mind and guarantee myself peace in any moment.” Wayne Dyer
I would love to hear your thoughts on the blog site: http://deniseshj.blogspot.com or through email.
In love and health to all of you,
Denise
www.facebook.com/denisesouthwicknp
2 comments:
I don't have words to say my friend. But I know God will heal you completely!! HAng in there.. Love Ap
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